When I am weak, then I am strong

Warning- “The Rise of Skywalker” spoilers ahead.

On a whim, I was invited to see the final Star Wars movie “The Rise of Skywalker”. I hadn’t seen the preceding seventh or eighth films. My overall history of viewing the Star Wars films altogether is a bit choppy. But thanks to some last minute decisions, I was able to experience this movie. And it sparked a fire of emotions and inspiration that lead to the vision of the above drawing, as well as a few reflective thoughts.

Somehow there’s light and dark within us all, and we have the freedom to make choices within this tension. In the movie, the dark side within Kylo Ren (grandson of Darth Vader, the man on the far left in the drawing) surrenders to the light side. I found this part of the story so incredibly powerful. How many times must one miss the mark before they make a choice that is life giving? In Kylo Ren’s case, he was seen, known and accepted even with the pain he had repeatedly inflicted on many people. Like the prodigal son, he surrendered his old ways, turned, and was welcomed to the light side.

I thought, oh…. I know this story. I could hear it a thousand times. It pierces like a saber, straight through the heart. I think we all need to hear this story again and again.

I know what it’s like to mess up, feel shame and have a sense that I don’t deserve forgiveness. I also know what it’s like to be hurt by people. An inner turmoil is birthed from within which causes one to turn to the dark side as a means of coping with pain and anger. Ultimately a desire for control and power- rise up, it will…

I see you Kylo Ren. I know the resistance to surrender. I know those burning tears that cannot be held back any longer. Those tears always surface when I see another reach a breaking point (or when watching a “bad guy” surrender). You know what I mean.

Oh, but the beautiful, glorious power of the “force” when one turns is…breathaking.

We humans (myself included) have a problem with being seen as weak. But what if a “force” emerges in our weakness- resulting in something better than what was imagined? After Kylo Ren surrenders to the light side, he joins Rey (woman on the right) to defeat the evil Palpatine (man in the center). Even Palpatine knows that the power of these two individuals creates a “force dyad” strong enough to literally create life, leading him to suck this life force out of their bodies- temporarily restoring his own vitality.

Ultimately the light and dark sides within Kylo Ren and Rey (even the seemingly “best” of us hold this tension!) were needed to defeat Palpatine. Both sides were a part of their individual stories, creating the person they would become to “rise” up against the life taking force of evil. As much as I want to stuff the shadow side to myself and my story, in the end it all belongs.

Therefore, may the force be with you, always. And may we all find the courage to surrender, turn towards the light, and make choices that create life (not death), again and again.

 

There is nowhere good is not

Recently I was reminded of the band called “The Prodigy”. Occasionally I listen to albums I used to listen to at an earlier age. It’s a challenge I choose to accept- finding the good in things that “appear” not good- and in this case it was their album “The Fat of the Land”. I was drawn straight to the song “Breathe”. Then I watched the video (you can watch it here). And considering a topic I’ve been wrestling over, somehow this video brought insight. I felt in my spirit I was seeing this video with a new lens. And there was a bit of irony in the song title (the word spirit literally means breath).

In the video the singers wear dark, theatrical makeup and move around a lot. This album came out in 1997, which was during a time that I was mostly drawn to things with a “dark” feel. The reason for this was partly because I carried a lot of anger. Perhaps I was unable to name what caused my anger. Maybe that’s why I “wore” my anger and listened to mostly “dark” music. Maybe it was teaching me that there is good within things that appear void of any good.

Fast forward twenty years and this is how I interpreted this video today. The singers are inviting us to believe the scare tactics they’re imposing on us. Some may see them as looking almost “demonic” in the way they look and move about. But I see two individuals reminding me of something I used to believe. And if I still believed it, they do something really great and tell me in the video, with this lyric- “you are the victim!”. What was I a victim of? Fear.

Fear says “come play my game” as they do in the video. And we can choose to believe the same old scare tactics, or we can see it as it is- a couple guys wearing theatrical makeup and dancing around the room. Though it is difficult to be completely fearless because of the brain’s habitual stress response, I am learning to notice my body’s reaction to anything misinterpreted as fear, and heal from believing things that do not hold truth.

At the age of twenty one I started a religious journey of becoming a Christ follower. Along this journey I didn’t realize that some of what was being taught within Christianity was misinterpreted and caused me to live skeptical of any good from other things/beliefs/systems. What if we didn’t have to “play” that game? What if we all have the ability to find seeds of life in anything (that may or may not appear to have no life)? For example, friends of Keith Flint (the singer in the video with the colorful spiked hair and piercings) have described him as a man of “integrity”, “one of the sweetest people I’ve ever worked with”, a “brother”, a “best friend” and a “gentleman”. Keith created seeds of life around him, regardless of the impression that is given from the video. It was discovered in March of this year that he took his own life, yet the spirit of this video has given me more “life”. It has given me a divine insight as a reminder to not accept fear as a form of teaching that is life giving.

It’s a process- becoming aware of what’s false and what’s divinely true. What if there was goodness and truth in the places we least expect? Or, here’s a crazy thought- what if we could learn from sources that we’ve been taught should be off limits…what if there’s good there? What if fresh insight happens? And what if inquiring in areas we least expect…unity happens.

Jesus didn’t teach people to fear anything. And he definitely encouraged curiosity and questions.

One thing that Jesus achieved was expose the lie. We think we have to live under rule and fear. Letting go of this is quite the challenge for our human brain. Something keeps teaching us to believe this lie. Yet we can’t let go of our desire for control, power and rules- let alone a God that flat out displays for all to see that control, power and rules are false expectations. If God isn’t a power hungry, controlling God of rules, then we create that kind of God- killing each other and God in the process. This is part of the reality behind the crucifixion.

What if God is teaching us to stop pointing the finger at everyone else, and finally point it at ourself?

Scripture teaches us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. Personally, this “pointing the finger” to myself has been a difficult process. If I’m to become this kind of lover, then I can’t agree with anything that teaches me to think dualistically. For example, I shouldn’t follow any teaching that encourages separation- us and them, their belief system/my belief system. Loving my neighbor does not exclude anyone, but rather includes everyone. Furthermore, to love and accept myself like God loves me is not easy…not easy at all. It’s an ongoing transformation, not a quick done and completed transaction. Therefore, if I’m called to love myself, and I mean all of me, including my entire story and all the flaws and mess ups (including the really, really, really, really, really bad mess ups), then I truly can find the good in everyone and everything. Or at least try my best. I’ll play that game.

dang…

This is good news.

p.s.s. The painting up there is a few years old and I had titled it “there is nowhere God is not”. Maybe it should be titled “there is nowhere good is not”.

Heavenly love

A couple months ago I attended a parenting conference. One of the speakers talked about how certain events from her childhood affected how she parented her own children. She told a story about how she reacted to her daughter asking for an American Girl doll. Her immediate response was to go to the store and buy her the doll- which she did. As she was buying the doll she realized why she didn’t think twice about purchasing it spur of the moment as she did. For many years as a child herself, she had asked for an American Girl doll and never received one. She called this a “little t” trauma.

Another speaker talked about a little t trauma of tripping on stage during a high school play, which resulted in the entire audience laughing at him. As a father, an event such as this had caused him to overreact in certain embarrassing situations involving his child. He was able to do the healing work necessary to become a better parent to his child.

After hearing their experiences of trauma, it’s apparent that trauma is more common than I thought. There’s big “T” traumas (for example, surviving the Holocaust) and little “t” traumas, and a spectrum in between.

Maybe this word makes for some discomfort, and you’d rather call your experiences something else. Whatever the case, every experience is valid no matter how big or little we think it is AND we should never judge another’s response to their experiences.

What I find incredibly honoring is when someone dares to be honest and vulnerable enough to share their wound with another. Although some wounds of the past can be difficult to talk about, my hope is that we can learn how to be present and hold space when someone does in fact decide to tell part of their story.

Like a mirror kinda holds your face and reflects your image back at you just as you are, never once trying to “fix” you or make you feel better about yourself.

Maybe you’ve always felt like the only one who’s experienced a certain type of trauma. If only there was someone who understood what you went through- even a little bit. And one day you decide to share your story and someone else understands because they’ve experienced something similar. This only happens if we actually choose to talk about it.

This isn’t always easy. I am incredibly thankful for people that have been honest and vulnerable enough to share parts of their stories- because, guess what? Now both of us don’t have to feel alone in our wounds. Even if our traumas are different, being present and caring for someone’s story may encourage softening of the heart. Imagine that…less hearts of stone, more hearts of flesh.

This isn’t to say comfort and healing can’t be experienced alone, but it sure is nice when the wounded self is understood by another. Experiencing this is like a divine cosmic blast in the space time continuum…it’s like seeing each other for the first time, even if you’ve had numerous conversations.

When I look back at how I’ve been seen and heard, I have no other language to give it, other than love. I only hope I’m able to return this sacred experience back to others.

Recently I heard the story of Jesus sharing his wounds with Thomas. Thomas won’t believe Jesus is resurrected until he actually touches the very scars on his hands and side, which Jesus graciously invites him to touch.

This causes me to ponder…God is totally vulnerable in sharing his wounds with us. What does that tell us about the nature of God? What does that have to teach us about how we might be called to be with one another?

Which brings me to the story of the Garden of Eden. It is in this very place where people are completely free to be as they are. Free from shame, judgement, and free from any confusion of your identity as a good and beautiful beloved child of God. As the text says, “naked and unashamed”.

True freedom is experienced by all. This sounds like absolute heaven…

It can be incredibly exhausting hiding behind a mask, acting as if everything is ok all the time. This is not reality, friends. This is also a good indicator that there’s a lot of work to be done if it is ever to be “on earth as it is in heaven”.

Therefore I can’t help but have a hope to someday experience this kind of love between all…”naked and unashamed”.

p.s. I did this sketch of eyes several years ago. It’s supposed to be looking at heaven upon entering “the gates”. I didn’t know I could catch glimpses of it on earth…

Creating life

Mary Poppins and Jack.

A beautiful, playful friendship between a man and a woman.

But my mind occasionally wonders about the possibilities beyond the surface. As I watched the new Mary Poppins movie (seeing it twice at this point), I began to imagine- what if they had a longing for each other but chose not to act out on it? I suppose it wouldn’t be smart to seriously consider a romantic relationship if you’re a magical nanny from the clouds that comes and goes by the occurrences of door openings and wind. I know we’re talking about characters in a movie here, but I found such joy in their charm and wit within each other’s presence.

I’ve been broadening my knowledge of men and women lately- our brains, our sexuality, and what these have to teach us about our Creator- not as a means to have answers to every question, but to wonder and marvel at the beauty and mystery of the divine design of our mind and bodies.

I’m a four on the Enneagram, which has the title of “individualist” or “romantic” (you can take a quick Enneagram test here). As much as I love the “romantic” in me, I’m always in a process of learning how to care for that inner romantic. And there are enough real life struggles in the lives of men and women, single or married, that proves I’m not alone in needing to harness the romantic (the inner feminine/masculine sexuality) within.

What I’m learning is that in areas where I’ve felt shame, there is a very tender, non-shaming love that God extends in those moments. A love that teaches me how to channel the romantic energy in ways that may even bring beauty and life to others.

For example, take Mary and Jack. What if (hypothetically) they had taken any longing they had for each other and didn’t immediately shame themselves for it? What if when they first noticed the reaction to the other, that they acknowledged it as a natural design of God- and that it’s good? (Maybe it seems silly to use them as an example- rightfully so. Ride this wave of wonder with me just a bit longer). Our bodies and brains were designed by God to react certain ways around men and women. It is what we choose to do with these reactions that will either be life giving or life taking. We can choose to seek divine guidance in birthing life and bringing more goodness to the world, or bring chaos and death.

There seems to be no difference in which category struggles more- religious or non religious, single or married. It is obvious that there is a need for less shame and more teaching in the area of sexuality of men and women. There is a need for guidance in how to acknowledge our body/mind reactions at first notice, not to shame ourselves, and allow ourselves to look up in our own vulnerability to the eyes of divine wisdom and inspiration on how to channel these energies in ways that create rather than destroy.

What if after inviting the non shaming, loving, tender presence of God, the result of the individual love and care that Mary Poppins and Jack extended to themselves brought forth creative ways to channel their energy? (By the way, creating doesn’t mean artistically- creating can be anything that brings more goodness and life into the world, rather than adding more chaos, darkness and death). What if this sacred connection between these two characters caused the glorious explosion of beautiful songs, dancing and images not only bringing joy to their own lives, but also as conduits through which others around them experienced beauty, wisdom, healing and love? Consider the design of our bodies (in relation to Mary and Jack’s colorful song creations) and what it can teach us about God- which is the fact that God considers explosions in holy ecstasy as good!

This friendship is delightful to watch- it is pleasurable and pure, “practically perfect in every way”.

We have a God who created us to experience pleasure in many different ways- divine pleasure that brings life and fills the world with more beauty, truth, love and justice- in ways that aren’t dark and chaotic.

God continues to show me how good it truly is when a man and woman dare to see what friendship, conversation and work can birth from this connection. Imagine the possibility if we sought more of this with holy intention. More harmony and gender equality rather than an unbalanced patriarchal culture. There’s been progress, but there’s still a lot of work to be done.

May we all seek the guidance of our Creator to teach us how to harness and channel our sexuality in creative ways that bring life.

p.s. naturally, because of culture, this subject can be uncomfortable to discuss. It’s become clear to me that the need for teaching in the area of holy sexuality is great, and we need guidance and enlightenment in this area. I’m encouraged by others who have been brave enough to explore the topic, letting go of their own discomfort because they believed in the need for this healing in the lives of men and women. We can learn much- without shame- and have fun learning in the process because the divine design of our masculinity/femininity is good according to the One who created us!

The eternal gift of Love #3

I have “accidentally” let my weeds get a bit out of control in our front bush garden and patio cracks. This morning I was reminded of this as I sat down to blog. The plan was to immediately explain how I have interpreted a song, and how we can receive divine, mysterious insight from anything- for example, lyrics. Our Creator can use anything to guide us and reveal divine presence/love/insight, if we desire to see more than what’s on the surface. As adults, we see and hear the same things repeatedly, and become “used to” those things. What if there was more beyond what is taken for granted?

For example as I was about to blog, I noticed several birds outside my window. If I were to see this only on the surface, I would have only seen several birds outside my window, and continued on with the blog (this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just that- seeing what’s on the surface).
-OR-
I pause a bit longer, notice that the birds are actually feeding on those “pesky” weeds- who knew I’d unintentionally feed sparrows through my lack of care to maintain a flawless garden (a divine wink by the King of show offs) once again inviting me to notice everything belongs. Then two bluejays show off their pop of color and join the posse on my patio (the shock of blue and white never fails). My attention is then drawn to the vibrant red of a woodpecker moving in the distance , immediately reminding me of a very significant time a few years back, in which a woodpecker was present (deep breath…).  And then a chipmunk and squirrel scurry right near my window- now awakening my sleepy cat to all the wonderful movement of life. A heavy cloud of awe rests on me as I reflect in the moment- did all of that really happen in a mere few minutes?

The window was a movie screen to the never ending current nature flick amidst a variety of real time streaming “shows” happening around us all the time. I have wondered about these occurrences, when I’m the only human watching- that they are gifts for me in that very moment, to add to the many solo shows I’ve experienced. These “shows”, all the movement of life around us- they’re a gift to us all, if we choose to see it other than another mundane moment. Mundane, they are not (with some intentional desire to experience the realm beyond the surface).

Even lyrics to a song can bring personal, divine insight that otherwise wouldn’t occur if the words are only heard in their simplest form alone.

About a year ago I came across a song by Sleeping at Last called “Uneven Odds”. Yet it wasn’t until several months later that a new interpretation of the lyrics came about as I let my mind get carried away in the stream of words (the previous post was my experience of the instruments). And I would hope that any good songwriter would welcome the listener’s own experience of their song, journeying along alternate channels.

I’ve typed out the lyrics, and my personal insight below the verse.

UNEVEN ODDS (lyric video link)

“I once knew your father well”
“Father” is religion.

“He fought tears as he spoke of your mother’s health”
“He” (religion) fought “tears” (tears of pain, empires, war, etc) of “mother’s health” (mother is representing a misinterpretation of God). The love of God can be a challenge to accept. God as the sole Lord and ruler of all can be a challenge to accept. “Tears” of pain/empires/war/etc have struggled to know this love, which is actually a gift for everyone to (freely) accept. “Health” is the love of God. God is a God of non-violence, yet people struggle to accept such fierce love (rightly so, because the struggle of our human experience causes us to blame God, even though pain is experienced from earthly things- for example, other humans).

“I guess a part of him just couldn’t return”
Religion (“him”) “couldn’t return”, or show love back to us. One cannot experience a “return” of love through words in a book alone.

“Forgiveness is a lesson he cursed you to learn”
Religious texts cannot force one to have forgiveness in their heart.

“As your guardian I was instructed well”
Guardian is the mind and body we live in.

“To make sense of God’s love in these fires of hell”
Who has helped the guardian make sense? Who has been there through the fires? (This is a personal reflection). We need each other. We need the physical presence of others throughout life- we are not expected to walk this journey entirely alone.

“No I don’t expect you to understand”
Mind and body (guardian) cannot be expected to “understand” God overnight. The spirit of God- the perfect Love within us all- is a holy mystery; a process of growing into knowing through desiring/questioning/life experience.

“Just to live what little life your broken heart can”
Guardian (mind and body) may diminish the value of your life because of the machine-like ways of the world. The continuous cycle of wrong in the world- will make your life feel “little”.

“Maybe your light is a seed and the darkness the dirt.
In spite of the uneven odds Beauty lifts from the earth”
In spite of all the suffering (“uneven odds”), Love/God/Divine (“beauty”) is with us, and the goodness of God makes a way through seemingly impossible circumstances (even if we don’t see it that way, God is good regardless of what is experienced in the earthly realm). There is hope that darkness isn’t the end result, like the “uneven odds” of a seed growing in the darkness of the earth. The “beauty” of Love is always growing and moving throughout, within all of life.

“As the years move on these questions take shape
Are you getting stronger or is time shifting weight?”
If there are questions regarding life, it’s better to ask and wrestle, rather than just accept anything through a person or book. But even if there is insight and awakening within the questions, it can seem like time is passing by as we continue to stumble in darkness. As we fall and get lost in the “dirty processing”  within the soil (“earth”) of life, we forget our progress and how far we’ve come.

“No one expects you to understand.
Just to live what little life your mended heart can”
This verse is repeated from earlier, but “broken heart” becomes “mended heart”. All is not lost.

“You’ll always remember the moment God took her away”
If God is “her” (her referring to “mother” from earlier in the song), then who is “God” in this verse? Has God been blinded by the wrong of the world? Were we wrong about the nature of God? If God were not a human empire/ruler, religion, or a form of acceptance we achieve through actions- then what does that leave? Is there reassurance in the safety, certainty, and control these things provide? If they are taken away, what does that leave?

“For the weight of the world was placed on your shoulders that day”
In reference to the previous line- does it feel like the “weight of the world” is on your shoulders? Without the certainty and control, does it feel like all is lost? What if that’s a good thing? What if the “weight of the world” is all of life around us- plants, environment, all species, humans- groaning for the nurture and care it was supposed to receive in the first place? How have we been tending to the world? Is there a better way?

“You’re much too young now
So I write these words down.”
What if one cannot be told how to experience the mystery of God within life? Sure, words can be written to encourage others to wrestle with questions- straight to the Source of life itself- but words are not the only means by which to know our God.

“Darkness exists to make light truly count”
Light represents the love of God. I don’t like this paradox in the moment, but I’m growing to know it’s truth.

I’ve been learning there’s a Love pulsating through all of life that mysteriously beckons and surprises us. This is true regardless of the pain I’ve experienced, and will continue to experience (a reality of the human life). As I continue to sense the goodness of God, I continue to grow more in the understanding that God chooses me as I am. God chooses each and every one of us as we are. God doesn’t love me more if and how many times I read a sacred text. God doesn’t love me more if I talk or don’t talk about God to others. It really is a divine, solid, unbreakable truth that I am loved by our Creator just as I am, regardless of how “good” or “bad” I may be. I share this because I continue to grow into knowing this very, very good God, who gives me grace for ALL my wrongs (and gives you grace for ALL your wrongs). Talk about a freakin’ paradox!

But don’t take my word for it (or anyone else’s for that matter).

What if God likes our questions? What if God was not a God of shame, and even welcomed wondering and questioning of certain, “concrete”, sacred words in texts? I have questioned much of my own belief, yet I cannot shake being a believer because I have a good God who reveals that I’m accepted, including all my doubts, questions, wrestling, complaining, screaming, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, etc…I can’t shake the fact that God is Immanuel and actively with us, and this is because I’ve refused to just take someone’s word for it- whether by text or person. God shows love through sight, sound and presence. Words cannot express the love felt in these moments.

God is breathtaking and indescribable.

Our Creator is active in our lives, always surprising with an eternal gift of love. Accepting of this holy, spiritual gift- I will be…you have my word.

*wink*

The eternal gift of Love, #2

What does Love sound like to you?

How do you experience Love (God/Spirit/etc..)?

This song (click here for song link) has taught me so much about myself and about life. Therefore there may be additional blog posts about this song.

The second part of this series (the series started on the previous blog post) is about music.  Music affects me more than lyrics. I tried to put into words what I experience when listening to the orchestra of this song. What I experience is a part of who I am. I believe it’s a gift, and I believe we should be able to share these personal gifts with each other.

May we find the courage to discover and share how we experience Love.

Because ultimately, it’s within all of us.

But honestly, this post will not make sense if you don’t listen to the song first! Really, just the 45 second intro will do.

________________________________

Love sounds like the trumpets, like they know the pain I’m in, and they’re there with me as I walk it.

Love sounds like the violins, as they move through my veins and give value to me as a person worthy of life.

Love sounds like the soft piano, falling asleep slowly, knowing love has seen me and touched me through others.

Love sounds like the drums, they have beaten through my life as I survive pain and suffering, and continue to come out as a victorious warrior.

Love sounds like the cymbals, as I crash into immense joy.

Love sounds like the bass, my feet running back to love over and over again.

Love sounds like a voice, expressing emotion and allowing oneself to feel and not conceal it with shame.

_________________________________

Now if they’d only come out with an instrumental version of the song.

Although, I have a personal interpretation of the lyrics. Coming soon…

And I encourage you to discover and find your gifts.

The eternal gift of Love

Love is surprising, as I respond to this inner curiosity.
I am learning Love is a process of both pain and joy.
I sit and question the pain,
And I sit and question the joy.
What of this inner restlessness?
What of these warm fuzzies?
From darkness to light
Blurriness to clarity
A continuous cycle of being redeemed
From suffering to glory.
Harsh shadows shift on glistening snow.
Would it appear as bright if it weren’t for the shadows?
How would I know the goodness of something
Without knowing the disorder of something?
The choice is mine, to never question and disregard my life as meaningless
-or-
To wonder at my inner stirrings, that there’s something more to this-
This pain
This heartache
This desire
This longing
And I sit and question,
How to put in words
This eternal gift of Love.

 

That was an introductory poem to a series of examples of how I’ve experienced Love. I was joking with my husband that this is my work, and presently I’m a poet. It’s a series of experiences that have shed more light on Love. Some call it God, Spirit…I honestly don’t know how to name it- other than Love. Love sounds beautiful to me.

This is the first part of the series. I was experiencing Love through people.

“The Redeeming of Love”

What is that feeling…
Another glorious redeeming.
It causes me to melt;
To sink into an invisible embrace.

What are you doing, Love?
You’ve taken my breath away again.
Like the slow dance of a finger on my cheek.
A deep gaze from eyes coated with a radiant glaze.

This vibration of life…
Arousal of soul…
Being seen and touched by another.
I’ve been paralyzed by its current,
As it flows though my veins
Igniting my heart.
Goosebumps rise…
Body softens…
Tension drains…

Oh Love, how you move me!
You see me
You hear me
You hold me
You heal me

You are the place I return to.
You, Love, are what I long for
You sweet flowy thing.

But wait.

Is it true?

You actually do!

You…
You long for me too.

There’s more snow on it’s way, sorry (not sorry)

I believe most of my fellow northeastern Ohioans have had enough snow by now. It’s a challenge to appreciate a season that has extended periods of cold weather, poor driving conditions, poor affects on health, etc.. Aside from winter and all its beauty, I struggle to let this season pass. Personally, it appears as if I learn valuable lessons most during the season of winter (and perhaps someday that will change).

Then spring follows winter. And spring is a season that I’ve experienced some of the greatest feelings of complete dread and hopelessness. And following that is summer, meaning at times mothering will take up a lot more time and energy than my mind and body can handle.

Several months ago I came across an article on snow and a few metaphors it represents. There are some pretty neat insights that can be learned from snow, if we look at it in a new light.

…and maybe there will continue to be eye rolling and moans. Hold on there, don’t leave yet. I promise this is cool stuff.

This past year I’ve been rethinking a lot about the ways I view my beliefs and my personal history. In all honesty, I wish that I had started this rethinking, or relearning, ten years ago. But, I’ll stand by the words of Richard Rohr (sometimes with whining) that “everything belongs“. I feel as if culture/society has put this belief in my head that I have to be at some “pinnacle” of life by the age of forty. And that pinnacle has to do with occupation, success, material things, having it all together, etc. The reality is this- I cut back my hours at my job, it isn’t a “success” story, we still have the same cozy house and (up until last fall) cars we had ten years ago, and it seems as if I keep falling apart. Time to let go of that pinnacle stigma. I doubt all of that will be achieved in less than a year. Sure, it’d be nice to have all those things. And society will continue to “tell” me that I won’t be happy unless I have all those things.

I wonder if Poppy was right (thank you “Trolls”)- happiness is inside you. Or, at least I’m learning, that the journey inward appears to have brought on the most personal growth, more than outward things have provided. And maybe realizing this has been, in a sense, my own personal “pinnacle”…

I’m learning a lot on this ongoing, inward journey. Some may say a journey inward sounds selfish. However, by going inward, I’ve discovered more about myself and God- the God within myself and all things- that continues to amaze unexpectedly. If learning about God is selfish, then my journey in life becomes more narcissistic with the passing of each season.

Many years would come and go until I realized I had to face all of my past. I thought I could live life just by sticking my foot in the water. Touching it was good enough, now I can move on. Now I should be able to have it all together, and have unwavering divine faith. I didn’t know I’d have to dive in deep and stay there a while.

I didn’t want to deal with the past..I mean, it’s in the past! “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps” and “get over it” is the mentality that culture/society would have me believe.

At times I’ve found myself wanting to rush the process of learning about myself and the parts that have been avoided. I’ve wanted to hurry up and be at my full potential right now (not really knowing what that looks like). For the first time in my life I have a surprisingly big dream and I want it to happen now (not fully understanding what that looks like either). But maybe there’s molding and stretching and growth to be experienced at a mysterious pace that, unbeknownst to me, is the best way. And I’ll be the first to say that in my experience, that has definitely been much easier said than done.

Snow can be a gentle reminder of that lesson. I can wish and pray and plead to be given an answer, be shown the path, be taught the lesson quickly, but that is not always the best way. It has taken a very, very long time to learn that I cannot continue living without addressing my brokenness. The mental and physical parts of my body were, in a sense, putting up huge road blocks in allowing me to pass swiftly through this life. Like softly falling snow, some lessons can only be learned at a gently falling pace.

Like really, really, really, slowly.

This hasn’t always been easy. But reflecting back, the best lessons I’ve learned thus far have been when I’ve allowed myself to let go of the need to hurry the process. Letting go and trusting the pace of the snow. Sometimes the other methods of precipitation just won’t work. Especially the “unceasing rain pour”, submerging and destroying crops…like gaining too much unnecessary knowledge on something, yet not fully understanding the teaching-as if it’s spoken in a foreign language (am I even making sense?).

By the way, I like rain. However, I am incredibly thankful for the teachers that teach like gently falling snow.

Perhaps my words are a “rain pour” (this is a struggle when it comes to teaching math to my children), or maybe I just wish there wasn’t so much negativity associated with snow.

To most of my neighbors’ delight, there will eventually be a final snow this season, and the final “teaching” before spring will melt into the ground. Will I be able to pause long enough to let it soak in? Or will I quickly move on, not letting the value of the lesson “melt and integrate” into my mind…my body…my soul…

It appears that water has an infinite amount of metaphors and this post could go on into eternity.

As for me, I’ll quietly look forward to more snow in the forecast.

Precious child

In my last post I discussed ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and a small amount of research on the subject. Along with researching that topic, it has caused me to reflect on how I’ve been impacted by life’s challenges.

For most of my life I’ve wrestled with my worthiness. Specifically, feeling like my voice is not worth listening to. I’ll assume I’m not alone, or that everyone’s felt like this at least once in their life.

Backtrack several months ago, I read a book that gave me some insight on what it means to be made in the image of God (I’m referring to Genesis 1:27, however, there are other beliefs that believe this concept as well). I’ll be referring to this insight throughout the blog.

When I was a small child, I had not yet experienced enough life that would cause me to doubt my worthiness. I was a lot livelier and felt I had more freedom to be like a kid…to be my true self.

Eventually it was as if I had to grow up. And growing up included putting childish behaviors away. Like being easily amused and shouting that wonderful amusement to the world. Or being a complete goofball.

I began to feel ashamed if my behavior seemed different than the “norm” (whatever that was). It was as if life began this process of laying dark fabrics of shame over me. And over time it collected more and more layers. I’m not sure when, but at some point I felt as if I had to hold myself back from being too weird, too excited, too colorful, and daydreaming too much. I began to put on a “false” self, and felt ashamed of my true self.

If I’m made in the image of God, then maybe I was more like that image before life’s experiences led to “layers” of shame. And maybe for the past several years I’ve been digging to get back to my “child”.

In his book “Echo of the Soul”, John Philip Newell discusses being made in the image of God. For instance, God is infinitely mysterious, which would mean that if I’m made in God’s image, then that makes me infinitely mysterious (and also every human being). I will never fully know another, or even myself. So I could never assume I know all there is to know about someone. As long as we’re alive, there will always be something new to discover from each other.

“To live from the place of our unique mystery is to be a surprise, even to ourselves”.

A surprise to myself? Huh? Hmm…

I must say, if someone had told me four years ago that I’d become an avid hiker, I would’ve given them an over dramatic “yeah right!”. I mean, I was definitely NOT what you would call “outdoors-y”.

Let alone hiking in the dead of winter would become my favorite time of year to hike.

Let alone hiking off the paths, beyond boundaries, beyond “safe”, into risky adventures…

When I step back and look at it from that perspective, then yes, that is a surprise.

Why do I like this risky winter hiking so much? There’s many reasons, but I’d rather just share this memory which I had forgotten, until recently.

When I was a little girl, I can recall a set of two very skinny sledding hills, side by side. I remember how unique they were, being tucked away deep in a forest across the street. I’d go off into the woods in hopes of finding them within all the little paths (it was a bit tricky).

But I wonder…

Did I like those hills for the hill’s sake? Or was it the pre-sledding hike and the anticipation, and challenges, all within a vast, dreamy, winter wonderland?

Did the layers cover me so much that they caused me to lose sight of that “image of God” within myself? Had I forgotten how to have that adventurous joy? What if that child self was closer to knowing what was good and true and right?

As I dig closer and closer to my inner child, that beautiful image of God is revealed more each time. And each time there’s more freedom to have that childlike wonder, amusement, and goofiness, free from the layers of shame.

That being said, I don’t think I could ever know a child self that represents an absolute pure “image of God”. There’s many layers of shame that have been lifted, but there’s mental and physical parts that will always need healing. Digging through the layers and caring for oneself is part of the process of healing. I’m not a physical or mental health professional, but I believe all of these have the ability to heal in some way:
-mindfulness/meditation/prayer/etc
-decent sleep
-healthy diet
-healthy relationships
-mental health
-exercise
(in no particular order)

I’m sure there’s additional ways, this was just a basic list. And sure, it’s not easy to maintain all these (especially being the parent of small children). As a child, my stress response would sometimes react to life experiences in a bad way (yes there’s a spectrum of good and bad stress responses). I know some of the negative effects this has had on me mentally and physically. These different ways to heal and care for ourselves (and the science behind them) have been proven to help people.

The question is, what kind of sacrifices are we willing to make to care for ourselves? Time? Money? Personally, those two have been sacrifices in my own life.

Am I worth those sacrifices? You better believe it.

Everyone is worthy of self care. Whether that involves digging out your inner child is up to you. Some people are more resilient than others and have been able to stand strong within the negative stressors of life during childhood/adulthood. And some of us need help in this area. I know I needed help.

In his poetic blessing “For Loneliness”, John O’ Donohue says it well-

“..choose..
to hear the one true voice your rushed life fears;
cradle yourself like a child
learning to trust what emerges..”

The one true voice my rushed life fears…

At some point I gradually decided to slow down, dig in, and care for myself.

Am I done in this process? I don’t believe there will ever be a time when I’m done with self care, and I’m done healing. I believe this process will last as long as I’m here, in this reality. Some things get easier. And there will definitely be other trials and challenges in life. And there’s countless other blogs on all those different topics.

But for now, the focus in this blog post is the precious child in all of us. And my hope is that we are all able to find our child self. Maybe we each find our “little me” at different ages in their life. Maybe we find her (or him) after just a few layers of pain have covered the child…

Are we willing to get down, look our own child self in the eyes and say,
“you are worthy”…?

What if part of my healing process is reminding my own children of their worth? (Cue extra hugs, I love you’s, loving attention, loving discipline, etc). What if my healing process has put a desire in my heart to help all the precious children of today?

Maybe I can help another little me out there now.
Maybe I can help another little you.
Do you like the sound of that? I sure do.
(I read lots of children’s books, this is true).

They should all see themselves as worthy.

Sure, I may not be able to do all that myself. But I can do some things.

Because I am worthy. You are worthy.

Each and every precious child is worthy.

Why blog, ACES, and hope

First of all, I’m not an expert in writing, so please keep that in mind.

I have some important things to say (along with having conversations with the people I come across day to day) that I hope to bring awareness to, through this blog.

Why the name “pain splattered holy genes”? Because over the past couple years I’ve become more interested in these topics. First off, hopefully you got the correlation between the picture and the name of the blog. Top notch way to be clever with words, right?

“Pain splattered” is a way of saying I have some pain within my history (don’t we all). The paint splatter on the jeans also represents art. Occasionally I may share some original pieces. “Holy” is of spiritual nature. “Genes” is referring to the science behind how our brain and body works. I would like to share a little on all three of these topics, whether separate or as a whole, but please understand I am not a scientist or spiritual guru. I’m a stay at home mother (who reads a lot of books and listens to a lot of speakers).

One topic I’ve become more interested in (and so should you!) is the research done on Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. If you already know about it, great. You are aware of one of the killers of people today. Yes, I’ll explain it to those of you not aware of ACEs.

But first I want to state the obvious. This topic isn’t a subject many people bring up. I get it. But this subject absolutely needs more awareness, and definitely more action needs taken around it. And the more this gets talked about, the sooner that action can be taken.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences study (ACEs) was done in 1998 by Dr. Vincent Felitti of Kaiser Permanente, and Dr. Robert Anda of the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention). These two men put together a ten part questionnaire and each question asks about a stressor experienced anytime during childhood before the age of eighteen. Keep in mind there are other forms of childhood adversity (besides these ten) that happen outside of a household. The ten questions of the ACE questionnaire were chosen because they are more common within the household. You can take the test yourself, if you click here (the word “here” in this sentence is highlighted. You can click on it. I’m trying to teach those of you who are unaware of this). There’s also a link coded in the word “study” earlier in the paragraph (gotta have those sources). I’ll have links throughout my blog, so keep your eye out for them.

What needs to be pointed out is that these adversities/stressors are not mostly experienced in low income areas. The original study had 17,421 participants consisting of 70 percent caucasian, and 70 percent college educated people. Of those people, 67 percent had a score of at least one ACE, and 12.6 percent had four or more ACEs.

Childhood adversity is affecting all demographics. It is just better hidden in certain communities.

The shocking thing about childhood adversity is that it can lead to all sorts of illnesses later in life. Yes, a rough childhood may lead to the person engaging in harmful behaviors such as drinking, smoking, substance abuse, etc. But childhood adversity can lead to illnesses later in life even if the person does not engage in harmful behavior. This is because of multiple reasons, one being that repeated stress of childhood adversity causes repeated stress responses in the body. And when you’re a child experiencing repeated stress, it can become pretty toxic. This toxic stress can lead to damage in a developing brain and immune system, just to name a few of the affected areas. When a child’s developing brain and immune system experience toxic stress, the functioning of these systems may cause a child’s mind and body to react in negative ways.

I live in northeast Ohio, an area that has some of the highest numbers of opioid overdoses and teen suicides. Statistically, I don’t know what percentage of these are a result of childhood adversity, but I’m sure there’s enough.

Not to mention all the other things that childhood adversity can lead to- heart disease, diabetes, cancer, COPD, depression, and anxiety…just to name a few of the physical and mental illnesses that are a result of ACEs.

and shootings…

Come on guys. Enough is enough.

I know childhood adversity isn’t the reason for all this negative stuff I’ve mentioned. But if action is taken, I believe the well being of people will improve.

How does one take action? That may be for another blog. A few hopes for the future would be that all pediatric wellness checkups include a screening for ACEs (with a questionnaire that only shows a total number, allowing for privacy), and school employees having mandatory “trauma awareness” training. There are practices and schools already implementing ACEs awareness, and they show much improvement among all the children (and parents) as a whole.

Seems like a lot to do, but I believe in this with all my heart.

So for now, awareness. AWARENESS, AWARENESS, AWARENESS. For example, I simply ask people if they’ve heard of ACEs and the study. I share this video of a Ted talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. I plan on mentioning it to the pediatrician, my doctor, the local schools, and who knows beyond that.

Again, I know this is an uncomfortable subject. Personally, it has explained a lot for my character, and how I mother my own children.

This is not a blame game. ACEs are experienced by parents that have most likely had their own childhood adversities. They did what they could with what they were taught. Most likely it is a generational thing (specifically epigenetics, a whole other blog post as well).

My hope is that the generational thing can be alleviated. Or ultimately come to an end altogether.

This is just a brief overview of ACEs. There is a lot more on the subject. If you are interested in learning more, I’d suggest reading this book. Otherwise, I may occasionally go over the topic within this blog.

And if you read this far, thank you.